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Author Topic: General Jokes  (Read 2014 times)

Offline bobxing

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General Jokes
« on: November 03, 2010, 06:32:25 AM »
Missing goat



Farmer Azmat slaughtered a goat and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone.

He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.

Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Azmat, did you ever find out who stole your goat?"

"Nope," said Azmat. "Not until just now."
« Last Edit: November 03, 2010, 06:51:39 AM by bobxing »




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Offline bobxing

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Re: Decent Jokes
« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2010, 06:33:28 AM »
  • Calming with tranquilizers



    The young mother was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking
    regularly."

    On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?"

    "Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do wonders for me."

    "And how is your son now?" he asked.

    She replied, "Who cares ..."
« Last Edit: November 03, 2010, 06:44:09 AM by bobxing »
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Re: Decent Jokes
« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2010, 06:33:28 AM »

Offline bobxing

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Re: Decent Jokes
« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2010, 06:34:11 AM »
Noise Abatement


"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."

"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
« Last Edit: November 03, 2010, 06:44:29 AM by bobxing »
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Offline bobxing

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Re: Decent Jokes
« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2010, 06:35:02 AM »
Eastern or Pacific



I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
« Last Edit: November 03, 2010, 06:44:50 AM by bobxing »
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Re: Decent Jokes
« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2010, 06:35:02 AM »

Offline bobxing

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Re: Decent Jokes
« Reply #4 on: November 03, 2010, 06:36:55 AM »
Secret way to catch fish



A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.
« Last Edit: November 03, 2010, 06:45:09 AM by bobxing »
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Offline bobxing

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Re: Decent Jokes
« Reply #5 on: November 03, 2010, 06:37:56 AM »
How to Translate Academic Jargon



When you next read an academic paper, make sure you have this handy guide by your side.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.

Postscript:
These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading an academic paper.
« Last Edit: November 03, 2010, 06:45:28 AM by bobxing »
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Re: Decent Jokes
« Reply #5 on: November 03, 2010, 06:37:56 AM »

Offline bobxing

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #6 on: November 03, 2010, 06:52:12 AM »
Murphy's laws of flying



1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the normal delay in order to make it on time.

2. If you ARE running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it will inevitably be delayed.

4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.

10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
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Offline bobxing

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #7 on: November 03, 2010, 06:53:11 AM »
Mental deficiency



A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history..'
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